NEW POST

Haven't posted in  really long. Been busy with college, etc. It doesn't really matter because I only have one follower (Hi, Jase) but might as well express what's been going on.

I'm getting very frustrated at college because people keep calling me Michael Jackson (because of my leather jacket) and I've had people in the class throw scrunched up bits of paper at me across the classroom. I really almost lost it a couple of times but I've gotten so good at keeping my emotions bottled, until I get home of course. Then I'm free to do what I want. I haven't fully gotten over everything that has happened to me but slowly and surely, I'm getting there. I have brilliant family, friends (including my best friend who has moved away, and who is pregnant) and I'm happy most of the time until I get thinking....... You know?

Bleh*

What a day... I feel like I have no time for myself anymore because college end half 3 every single day and half 1 on fridays. Found out some wicked music stuff today. Like Breaking Benjamin got their name from when Benjamin Burley performed at a music cafe with other guys, and when he broke the mic, the manager called the Breaking Benjamin. Greenday started out as a high school band and when they entered a talent show, the principal said it will be a green day in hell if they win. And Voila! People at college are getting angry at me now because I don't give out cigarettes as much as I did last year. Grrrrrr. Really irritating. But soon I'll be able to work on my posts via Blackberry which I obtain on the 15th, along with my keyboard. Now I'll be able to write you songs Megs!!! (From Dexter's Voice [Female Humanoid] ) Can't wait for you guys to come home! i don't know what else to write today so, as usual,
Till Next Time
XXXXXXXXXXXXX

College Heartbreak Pt.2

Gosh, my posts are really depressing aren't they? But they will get better. This is sort of like a diary for me, but easier to keep and difficult to lose!
Where was I? Oh, right, turmoil began. the perfect ending to hear would be that we lived happily ever after, had 12 kids, grew old together, and so on. But, sadly, it's not. Most girls get clingy with their first love, and I certainly did! We started fighting continuously and, being the baby I am, I would cry every time. Which made him more angry. The first time we nearly broke up was when we had a fight that lasted 2 days, because he told me he's not over his ex. Of course that would make me paranoid. But I begged him not to, and he didn't. make a long story short, we had great times but in the end we broke up. he broke up with me IN PUBLIC, AT COLLEGE, AT the place where we first met. Great guy, right? I'm not over him yet. He made it worse by getting a new girlfriend not even a week after we broke up. It's been 5 months, and I'm not over him yet. If you want to know how our song went, here it is, by Skillet:
"Better Than Drugs"

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain

How can I tell you just all that you are
What you do to me

[Chorus:]
You're better than drugs
your love is like wine
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' to get me high
You're better than drugs
Addicted for life
Feel you comin' on so fast
Feel you comin' on to get me high

Feel you when I'm restless
Feel you when I cannot cope
You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote
You kill the poison
Ease the suffering
Calm the rage when I'm afraid
To feel again

How can I tell you just all that you are
What you do to me

[Chorus]

Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
You're the strength of my life

[Chorus]

[Altro:]
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights..
(feel you comin' on so fast,
feel you comin' on to get me high)
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you come to get me high..
(feel you comin' on so fast,
feel you comin' on to get me high)

To get me high.....

Beautiful song, download it.
But even though I'm still sad, I have the best family, best friends, who help with everything. Like Niki, for example, who left her boyfriend in the room to come and sit with me for an hour, just to hold me as I sobbed. Music also helps me a lot. And so does God. In the famous words of Skillet (Of course),
There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That's deep inside of you
Something, something, something
Something, something, something
To hold me close when I don't know
There's something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive...
That song's name is Collide.
There will be music posts, love posts, more heartbreak, friends, family, and do on. Put " Watch Michael W. Smith Live" on your list of things to do before you die.
XOXOXOXO

COLLEGE HEARTBREAK Pt.1

And I'm back... Today wasn't a great day for me because my ex was by my house to fetch his jacket.. And I wasn't home. I would've given the bastard a piece of my mind. And that's what I'm talking about. For anyone who's ever had their heart crushed into a million pieces, this post is for you.
It was the day of enrolment at my new college, and I was extremely nervous. I got out of the car and immediately 3 guys turned to look at me. Can you say awkward? Well, I went to get a lighter, and that moment, the 3 guys were walking past and one of them was an old friend, called Barni. I freaked out, because I was so happy to see him. I went with them and the one guy was called Jean. Chatted, went to enroll. First day of college, even more nervous. I walked onto the grounds and heard someone call my name. It was Jean, calling me over to them. I started spending breaks, mornings with them, and even got a lift home with him. I must admit, he had a stunning smile. I remember the first day he came to my house. he said he was worried about me because I was sick. He started coming over more and more. By that time, my dad had remarried, and I had a sister, called Niki. Me and him became closer friends, even though I had basically ditched them for other people. Then I invited him to come with me to watch a friend's mgig, and he agreed to bring 2 of his friends. I knew he liked me at that point, because he told me. The day of the gig came, and just before that, he had taken me to face the people who had hurt me. We were best friends then. On the way to the gig, he held up a ring, aid it was for me, that it would be a promise to myself, that no one would ever hurt me again. Then I realized how much he cared. I went to my friend and said I wanted to kiss Jean, he said go for it, and I did. He said he wouldn't ruin our friendship. Ha! Needless to say, me and him started dating the next day, 27 February, 2010. I felt so lucky. Everyone at college was so shocked that we were dating, but we were incredibly happy together. Not long after, he told me he loved me. I loved him right back, and I told him so. We were the definition of the happy couple that everyone dreams about being, or in the first 2 months we were. We went everywhere together, me, him, and his friends. I knew I wanted him as my first, and he was. Then came turmoil...
COLLEGE  HEARTBREAK PT.2
Till Next Time
XOXOXOX

High School Is A Biatch

Ah...High School... This should be fun. Like most people, I was very nervous at the start of 8th grade, but I had thought everything would be fine. I'll just skip the boring crap. I became friends with 6 girls (Cyndie, Nicole, Cindy, Robyn, Bianca and Alyssa) and one guy by the name of Jesse. At first we didn't classify ourselves into any little cliques, but soon we became known as the Emos. like cutting, depression, heavy metal, guys wearing eyeliner and so on. My friends also started smoking but I didn't start until the next year I think. Anyway, everyone started bullying me again and it really hurt. I had a bladder problem, that if I laugh too much, I wet myself. And that happened a few times. In class. "Piss Pants" was christened. I still don't know who I am, because I changed myself so much for them. So grade 8 wasn't bad but when I got to grade 9, it really started getting bad. I started smoking, making myself what they wanted me to be. I had a boyfriend in that year, called Martyn, and once when I was at his house, my so-called best friend slept with him while I was in the other room. But I pretended not to care. I would be called worthless, stupid, loser, and other names which are still to difficult to say. In school I had a few boyfriends, 2 I broke up with, the others cheated on me or used me to make other girls jealous.

Another time when my friends were by my house, I was sitting by my computer and felt Cyndie pull me back. I felt something wet, hard, and not extremely pleasant and found out they had taken (for lack of better use of words) shit from the toilet and pulled me back into it. I didn't say anything and just got up to change. i have never sworn so much in my life but they were laughing at me. I failed grade 9. The next year in the same grade I had a boyfriend who wanted to attack my father, when I ran away from home. Rebellious Stage. I laugh about it all now, but there is still that painful feeling because I mdidn't do a thing to deserve what they were doing. I was always there for them, my house was the safe house. But I failed grade 9 again. Went to college, and that will be the topic of the next post.

CoLlEgE hEaRtBrEaK

Till Next Time

XOXO

Little Girl In A Bad World

Another day, another post on bullying. I will talk about my time in primary school for this one.
So I was talking about my 'friends' in primary school. I thought that Kara was my best friend in the world but I was badly mistaken. I was a fool. They certainly didn't treat me in the best way, that's for certain. My memories are a bit vague but I will try to open my box of hardships and fill you in.
Grade 3, 4, and 5 weren't that bad  but it got worse from grade 6 onwards. I had a really nice teacher in grade 6, always there for us, never shouting and so on. But one day I was sitting in the class and some of people were making jokes and we were all laughing etc and next thing I felt my bladder give way and a puddle formed on the hardwood floor. The class went utterly silent and then they burst out laughing. And I burst into tears. My teacher stood up for me of course but that didn't stop them. And p&*s pants was christened. I was humiliated. Grade 7 wasn't much better. New names surfaced from hell. To name a few, Jenni Fish, Jenni Tot. (because of my surname being du Toit) It was definitely not the best time. I never spoke to anyone about things at that time, not even psychologists. I expressed my feeling by keeping a diary at school, which I kept in my desk. One day, I was absent the day before, I got to school and all the girls I had written about in there came running up to me, started shouting at me, and how could I speak about them thyat way? Everyone immediately didn't like me at that point, not even the nicest kids who I had felt I could relate to. To think I actually apologized to them! I don't know what I ever did to them. I was the quiet one, the bookworm, the mouse who never uttered a single squeak. Some Days were good. Others...... Not so much.
Once again, 'til next time. High School Is A Bitch
xxxxx

The Beginning of "Hard Knocks"

Once upon a time, in a stunning land of South Africa, there lived a pauper girl called Jenni. She had no one to turn to, no friends, and all she wanted was love. Then one day, after SLAVING over the house and children, along came a prince on his white horse and whisked her off to a magical land where she never had to slave over a single thing again and she and the prince lived happily ever after.
If that's how the story really went, this would be a very short blog. But sadly, the real thing is much more.
To start off, this blog is not written for pity, it is for anyone who has ever been bullied in their lives. This is a detailed expression of what went down and what it still going on in my life, which I will express completely over my writings.

It basically started in grade one, that's what I'm sure of. The bullying at that stage wasn't that bad but I vaguely remember being teased etc. by the people in my class. Of course I was happy though. I'm not sure a 6 year old would realize at that time that her life would be turned upside down over the next 12 or 11 years. I grew up in Pietermaritzburg with my parents and my two older brothers. We moved to Cape Town when I was 7, in 1999. I enrolled in a new primary school, grade 2 at that time but I got kept behind because we moved there so late. I acquired a "best friend." (I will keep Everyone's real names secret but my own so lets call her Amy) We stayed good friend for many years but she also teased me about my bladder problem where I would wet myself from laughing too hard. Which happened often. Her mother in a way, was obsessed with my mother so in the end, my mom cut those relationships short.

Not long after that, I was in the fourth grade, my mom found her brother after 31 years, Peter Callanan. They Had a great relationship, and I loved him unconditionally. 2 months after we found him, he passed away. We still don't know what from. It took us all extremely long to stop crying, especially my mother. None of us are over his death yet and it has been 7 years this March 14th coming. I had different friends at that point: Kara, Roxy, and another girl whom I was not very close to. Times started getting worse...
'Til next time.
xxxx